The Little Engine That Could

So as I've been saying, I believe in the power of metaphor.  So in September when I knew I had to start to buckle down and start the job search after 4 months off, I decided to start strength training because I knew I had to feel strong as I had to sell myself to get a job, which was a lot like dating....neither of which I excel at.

I had met an amazing strong woman, Cara Brennan, through the burlesque world.  Cara offered me a comp session and I decided to take it even though I was not convinced I'd continue as I had become anti-gyms.

Let me step back a bit.  Many years ago, I was a bit of a gym rat.  I was at the gym every morning by 6 AM and worked out for 1 to 1 1/2 hours combining cardio and weights.  Then I started to realize I was doing it for the wrong reasons.  It was coming from a place of not feeling like enough.  So I decided to start and try to just listen to my body.  Well I got a bit lazy for many years and also grew in size.  Although because I was doing a lot of personal work through Polarity and Shamanism, I started to really like myself.  Although thee was a big discrepancy in how I felt inside and out.  It wasn't about size it was about resonance on all levels.

Then when I heard about Soul Cycle, I remembered enjoying spinning in my past.  I wasn't ready to go to a "gym".  I also needed to have my workouts come from a place of wheeeeeeee!!!!!  Soul gave that to me but at this time I needed more.  Although I did some weight training, I was more of a cardio girl...I like the adrenal high.  Although now, about to have my 50th session, working 2-3 times per week with Cara, I have become a fan...of both weight training and her.

I have found dead lifts to be great therapy when I am in a place of angst.  No matter how defeated I feel when I start, I feel a sense of accomplishment and strength when I leave.  It certainly helps that Cara is one of the most upbeat and inspirational people I have met.  It also doesn't hurt that we share a love of Burlesque, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and so many other things.  Again, I could have kept some of that severance money in my savings account but so delighted that I did not.  So not only is strength training great for an aging woman, as myself....yes I have a fear of osteoporosis, but it has also helped my emotional and mental health even more.  Also working out in the old Limelight at David Barton Gym, brings back happy memories.  Also lifting weights next to stain glass windows, prayer candles and a safe filled with disco balls is perfect for this playful shaman at heart.  And it is a new flavor of wheeeeee!!!!, that I didn't even know that I liked.  As they say, try it, you might like it and I did.  So I definitely feel like the little engine that could going from I think I can, I think I can to I know I can, I know I can.  And will continue and can't wait to see the ripples into the many aspects of my life.

Soul Midwife

In June, my 28 year career came to an end.  I knew it was coming to a close for two years as we were undergoing a Corporate Relocation to Raleigh, NC.  There were many reasons not to go, one of which was the absence of Soul Cycle or anything equivalent.  Needless to say those two years were like the longest hospice stay in creation. The 5 stages of death, right????  However, knowing vs experiencing it are two different things.    

It would have been easy for me, living off my severance package, to be frugal and minimize or even eliminate Soul Cycle.  But the thought of that made me even more depressed and glad it I didn’t submit to living from fear.  I waited until November to start the job search as I needed the time to grieve and take the opportunity to be free from expectations.  It truly was the Soul Cycle classes and community that supported me mentally and emotionally for the entire 9 months. Yes I'll be starting the new job 9 months to the day from my exit, so they were my midwife.

I always say that the Soul Cycle instructor line up is like being at Baskin Robin’s with all those flavors.  All the ice cream is yummy, heck it’s ice cream; however, our preference is based on flavoring.  And I really want to acknowledge those flavors aka instructors that supported me most whether they knew it at the time or not.  I list them below in the order that I was introduced to them in my Soul life-cycle and not the quantity or quality of their impact.

Rique Uresti - Rique was the first instructor at Soul Cycle that made me pay attention to whose classes I was signing up for.  I was introduced to him when I was very out of shape.  It would have been easy for me to retreat at the challenge as he was kicking my ass.  His style really helped me find my strength and brings out the fighter in me. Even though part of me would say, "Fuck him, I don't have to turn it to the right, he'll never know." I listened to the the other voice that said, "Fuck this, I can do it," and I do.  That or I just like following his inner dominatrix.  Over schedule and studio changes I took him less and less but during this time I needed to get me some Rique.

Danny Kopel - I left my first class with Danny thinking he was the embodiment of both, a pole dancer and Bob Fosse  When I told him, he said that was the best compliment he ever received.  Needless to say that cinched the fact that it was true love.  He brings such a sense of delight and wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!  I can go on and on how his passion and inspiration are a constant fuel for me in and out of class.  His support has been ineffable.

Lauren Bruker - I felt such a connection with Lauren the second I took her class.  I remember thinking how this young amazing instructor had this wise old soul.  I was delighted when she returned to us from her sojourn in California.  Lauren always reminds me not to take myself too seriously which needless to say her classes were critical at this time.  I like taking Lauren when life is hardest and at the high points.   After my first appointment with a career services agency, I ran to her class to release my anxiety and overwhelm.  As soon as I  received the call that I landed the job, I booked a class for that evening with Lauren.  And it was the perfect celebration.  I guess that makes her the Alpha and the Omega.

Marvin Foster - I call him my Soul Shaman.  He will come up with these profound metaphors that speak deep into my Soul and my psyche as if he were speaking directly to me and not the 60 other people in the room.  And of course he is a phenomenal teacher and his playlist make me feel like I’m in a dance club instead of an exercise studio.  

Matt Miller - I loved Matt from his days managing the front desk at USQ.  When he became an instructor, I went to his first community ride.  I remember thinking, “Oh god I hope he’s good, because I don’t want to have to lie."  Well we were barely through the 2nd song and I thought, “Wait isn’t this a community ride for new instructors?  This is both, great and hard.  I wasn’t expecting this.”  I can be a bit of a screamer when I’m enjoying myself in class and I left a little horse and made sure I signed up for the next two community rides and continue to sign up for his classes.  He was a natural and it felt like he had been teaching for years.  He was so inspiring for me at this critical time of transitioning to a new career and trusting that I can make a career change and thrive like he has.  What a great model to have.

And I would be remiss if I didn’t credit the community of people that I met through these classes that have become more like family.   And the staff, especially in USQ, that makes me feel the love the second I walk in the door.  Also a shout out to Thomas Charlton who provided me with my linked in phone, which was my last excuse to start the resume writing and job hunt.   

If I try to list them all, I may leave someone out.   So out of fear of offending I’m not naming anyone else with one exception.   I especially want to give a shout out to Margie Strauss Featherstone.  She and I first connected when we religiously took Parker’s classes at 6 AM in USQ together.  She has been my greatest support at this time for coaching and overall cheerleading.  Soul has given me so much and I don’t think I would have kept my sanity at this time without the Soul Community.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!!

Journey Home

So affirmations come in all forms.  As you know from reading my prior blog, I went on a burlesque journey as metaphor to embody more comfort in feeling a little (well know a lotta) naked and vulnerable in my life right now.  And now there isn’t more left to have complete ease but this was one of the most empowering experiences of my life.  I intentionally went outside my comfort zone to become more comfortable with the uncomfortable.  As one of my teachers says, you never know your edge unless you step beyond it.  The 5 days were chock-full of firsts for Lulu and lessons, which include but is not limited to nor put in order of significance:

Signing up for this experience when I hadn’t met any of the people.  Nevertheless Vegas was never on my bucket list.  Well maybe to see some Cirque du Soleil shows but I wound up not going to one and not sorry at all because now I have a new brave, bold, talented, supportive & good hearted Burlesque family.  

My first live public burlesque group performance.  This was scary. Heck I haven’t had to learn a “routine” since dance classes in high school.  It was truly exhilarating

Taking the Slotzilla ZipLine at the Freemont Ave. Experience.  As many of you know I’m prone to squealing out a Wheeeeeee!!!! to express my elation.  This was inspired by of Maxwell the Geico pig.   And a few months ago, I mentioned to a friend that I wanted to go ziplining as another metaphor for embodying thrill and surrender.  I was thinking that I was going to go to Costa Rica.  When I found out that they had one on the old Vegas strip, I just laughed to myself and said, “Of course, my first zip experience is going to be in Vegas instead of a rain forest”  A perfect blending of the sacred and profane.  

Doing my own stage makeup including false eye lashes.  I was pretty much terrified that I was going to look ghastly.  During the week we even had Darby Fox give a make up lesson.  She was a plethora of all this amazing make up knowledge which included white eyeliner, eyebrow shaping, contouring, false eyelashes, glitter...., I was like a dear in headlights.   I couldn’t even jot down notes.  I just hoped my cells were taking it in since my cognitive skills were in stun mode.  That being said, I rocked it if I do say so myself.  I got some positive feedback or perhaps they were being nice.   But I’m proud.  

Visiting the Burlesque Hall of Fame (BHoF).  A few months back when I first learned that it even existed, it became top of my bucket list.  I even thought of planning my own pilgrimage to Vegas but glad I waited for the Burlesque Bikini Camp.  The BHoF was the size of a room and a half.  But as they say size doesn't matter and I can’t minimize the effect of being in the energy of all those legends.  Just being in the energy of it was titillating.  Well that and declaring my burlesque name by signing it in the guest book.   Picture  Although Lulu on it’s own works as a stage name, most people in Burlesque have a play on first and last names.  It needs to be unique, in case a promoter or agent wants to find me after seeing me perform.  I don’t want them to go to another Lulu by mistake (I can’t believe I’m being bold enough to type that last sentence).  I did some research and, just so happens, there is already another Lulu in the Burlesque world. I played with many combinations and wasn’t sure before I left for Vegas.  But as soon as I stood in front of the guest book, I knew I was Lulu Lemoncello, because I’m tart and intoxicating.  (Again I wonder who I’m channeling this as I type this.  As  Paul Walker says, Go Big or Go Home)

Oh and also very exciting is I had a drink named after me....we’ll see if it makes the menu.  After our visit to the BHoF we went to a local place for cocktails called Downtown Cocktail Room.  After the Rhubarb Refresher from the cocktail menu, I asked the bartender if he had anything spicy.  I said, I like tart and spicy....like me.  He offered to create one special.  It was love at first sip.  When I ordered a 2nd, I told him he had to name it after me.  We decided on Lulu Lemoncello so he may tweak it to include Lemoncello which may be just as yummy but I wasn’t up for a 4th drink.  The recipe and name made it into his black book for mixology recipes. I’ll have to go back to see if it makes the menu.

And although I have a lot of words above, I’m sure I still don’t have a full understanding of the impact.  The main word that comes to mind is FREEDOM.   It's as if my past restrictive  thought patterns and mindset were deprogrammed.  And I say DEprogrammed and not REprogrammed as I feel more like a blank canvas ready to paint my new life that may include burlesque (I'm pretty sure it will as I keep thinking up costumes and characters as I listen to my iPod) and certainly will include many other yet to determined possibilities. The next word is  CONFIDENT.  I certainly feel more confident.  I don’t think I even walk the same anymore.  I can’t stop posing and I’m constantly imagining poses and steps to almost every song I hear.

I hadn’t even planned on blogging about all this quite yet or even ever; however, I had a You Can’t Make This Shit Up (YCMTSU) experience.  I pulled out my kindle for some reading on the plane.   I had many options and chose Planet Walker:  22 Years of Walking, 17 Years of Silence by John Francis.  I had bought it weeks ago but had delayed reading it for no apparent reasons except that perhaps I needed to read the opening quote by Thomas Merton exactly when I did - As I was taking off for My Journey Home from my Vegas Burlesque Pilgrimage 

 “The geographical pilgrimage is the symbolic acting out of an inner journey.  The inner journey is the interpolation of the meaning and signs of the outer pilgrimage, one can have one without the other.  It’s best to have both.”  

I certainly can’t argue with Mr. Merton.  I certainly am not qualified to to judge best vs worst, but I do know that this has been my personal experience.  For me, the inner journey integration takes a bit longer than the physical journey with lightbulbs of recognition and understanding that unfold and eventually you get the full marquee.  And this means you get to savor all the geographical pilgrimage provided throughout the entire integration process which makes it even yummier and longer lasting than the physical pilgrimage.  But be careful not to be too attached or dogmatic, as the experience can go from fresh to stale.  

Ready or Not…Here I Come Vegas!!!

Where to begin....perhaps where the seed was planted or at least when I became conscious of the seed that is.  On June 14th, I blogged about my YCMTSU (you can’t make this shit up) experience in Born Naked...My New Personal Anthem.  For those that didn’t read it, it involved meditation, my itunes shuffle (which is more like a crazy 8 ball) and Ru Paul’s song Born Naked.  

As many of you know, I love the power of metaphor.  And in my life right now, I’m feeling a little naked and vulnerable.  And what better way for me to embrace being exposed and vulnerable than study burlesque.  Plus I wanted something that would nurture my creativity so I can figure out what I want to do in the next chapter of my life.  Sometimes you need to draw outside of the lines.  For a person who is soon to lose her job, this may not be the typical approach to self discovery but when have I ever been typical, well at least not in the last 25 years.  In that blog, I mockingly, or so I thought at the time, ended by saying that perhaps it was God’s way of telling me to do burlesque.  I didn’t think of it much until I shared the story with a friend.   Then I thought, “Who am I to ignore God? After all Lulu is a Wu Wu at heart and I love to merge the sacred and the profane.”  It’s like a perfect blending of sweet and salty, like a chocolate covered pretzel.  Yummy, right?

And in todays age, I do the obvious next step and google burlesque classes NYC.  Little did I know there is a NY School of Burlesque.  They offered a 1 hour class called the Ultimate Self Confidence Class.   This would have been a great way to dip my toe to test the temperature of the water.  But I had concert tickets with my sister on that day and I couldn’t wait a full month for it to be offered again.  In fact, I had plans for the next date as well.  And since patience is not a virtue I associate with myself, I committed to a 4 consecutive Sundays of  2 hour classes in the Essential Burlesque Series (Burlesque 101).  I got a taste of the different aspects of burlesque.  After all I’m not really a toe dipper, I pretty much jump first and look to see, after I have taken the leap if there is even any water in the pool.  

First class we learned to twirl tassels.  No dipping the toe, we jumped into the deep end and it was hot (innuendo intended).  That being said, all my self judgements come up while I’m doing this.  At points, I would want to bolt from the room.  Yet my gut told me that if I address this it will have ripple effects in my life that will catapult me to embodying the best Lulu I can be.  I love going to see Burlesque shows.  I leave inspired wanting to do what they do with that finesse.  I find it to be an amazing form of story telling with the performers owning their power in all it’s glory.  And ever since I started, all I can do is think of costumes, music choice and imagine dance steps/reveals as I walk down the street listening to my iPod.  I finally got excited about something again.  Is it too corny to say that I find it, titillating.

As excited as I am, I never want to look like a fool.  And after only 4 classes (well 5 I signed up for a class with a guest teacher too), I knew I was just an amateur wanna-be ecdysiast   Isn’t that a great word.  It means an erotic dancer who removes their clothes as a form of entertainment. There aren’t many opportunities to use the word so thanks for placating me.  

Sorry, I digress...anyway, I wanted to find a way to fully embrace Burlesque with the possibility of performing.  What better way to address my fears than getting almost naked (pasties with tassles and a fringe belt do count as articles of clothing) on stage with an audience.   I wanted  get better at this as quickly as possible.   On a lark, and because it has worked before, I google Burlesque Camp.  Bingo!!!  the Burlesque Bikini Bootcamp, another burlesque school out of NYC, happened to be sponsoring a trip to Vegas baby.  And it was just 2 1/2 weeks away, enough notice for the office and soon enough to fit in my patience endurance range.  Well as a newbie that was more like a premature Burlesque Baby vs Babe, I called them to make sure I wasn’t biting off more than I could chew.  As they say, “How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.” I was told about their empowering philosophy and that  the participants had a wide range of experience but most importantly they were so warm and welcoming that I signed up and booked my flight as soon as I hug up the phone.  Oh, did I tell you,  it’s not really classes, but rehearsal to learn the routine because we were going to perform in Vegas.   So only time will tell if I put the whole elephant in my mouth or I’m just nibbling in it’s trunk.  

They sent me a list of things to bring on the trip.  The fishnets, pasties & boa didn’t intimidate me; however, the stage make up and body glitter ignited a little apprehension.  I’m really not a glitter girl. But that was easily found at a local Ricky’s.   I’m far from a tom boy or butch, but I basically walk out the door every day sans make up.  I wasn’t always like that.  About 15 years ago, I had made a conscious choice to stop wearing make up as I used it as a mask.  So I guess that was the first attempt at letting myself be naked and vulnerable.  I’m not a nun about it,  I do wear it on special occasions but the term STAGE make up was intimidating.  Knowing I needed a stronger foundation and a bold red lipstick, I put it on my shopping list.  And because I was feeling uneasy, I waited to the last possible moment to purchase.  In fact, I was fully packed with the exception of these last key pieces of “stage make up”.  

I shut my laptop down in the office at 4 PM (I was leaving at 8 AM the next morning for the airport) and took a leisurely stroll to the MAC store.  I expected to tell the person what I needed and be in and out, because I didn’t want to expose my insecurity.  I told the person that greeted me at the door that I needed a foundation for performing.  Well needless to say I wound up with more than foundation after all I also needed the proper brush, contour, etc....  He also showed me how to apply it all.  When he asked me if I had contour, my inner voice may have escaped and replied with “God, no”, but since it was a little bit of an out of body experience, I can’t be sure.  So I got a contour lesson too.  I had seen the drag queens on Ru Paul’s Drag Race in the dressing room, pre-performance, with those super dark contour lines on their cheek bones that were seamlessly blended in by showtime.  It seemed impossible.   Now I know the magic trick.  We found the perfect lipstick too.  And you know what I liked it all and it didn’t feel like a mask.  However, I had lost track of time and started to get anxious about the time since I had signed up for a spin class at 6 PM, or so I thought.   It was about 5:15 and and they hadn’t started to ring me up yet.  Even though my iphone, aka watch, doesn’t have a ticking 2nd hand, I heard it ticking loudly inside my head.  As he was putting together the items I chose to purchase, we discovered that they were out of the red lipstick.  They could have told me my mother had died.  I almost started hyperventilating.  I offered to buy the sample.  They said no.  However, there was the MAC Pro store down the block.  They called them for me.  Success, but time was loudly ticking away and I was getting very uptight.  I don’t like to be late.  Plus it was the last spin class for a week and so many of my Soul Cycle friends were going to be there.  Classes are more like family reunions.  So I practically run the block to the pro shop which is more like a show room on the 2nd floor (they gave me good instructions), and they have it at the counter waiting for me.  Now it’s 5:30, I’m at 23rd and 5th and needed to get to Lafayette and W. 4th, sign in and change into my spin clothes.  I may not have time for pre-class chit chat and hugs, what a travesty.  My mind quickly debates the pro’s and con’s of a taxi vs subway....decisions, decisions....  And  in midst of this monumental decision, my mind is flogging me over waiting until the last minute when I could have done this yesterday when I had tons of time.  Despite my hyper-active mind, I manage hear a voice on my psychic ipod shuffle saying I’m ready now.  Oh, I’m ready now.  Oh, I’m ready now.  Come get me from  Ready by Kelly Clarkson.  So I laugh, I guess I’m ready for Vegas Baby.  

That chuckle only lasts so long in fact I think I insulted my mind and it was concerned that my deep well of trust would defeat its sinister attempts to stress me out and kill my optimism.  My mind was a valiant and resilient warrior.  I glared down the tracks from  the platform of the subway as if I had this magnetic gaze that would pull the train in closer.  Of course, all the time, doubting my decision and wondering if I should turn around and hail a taxi during rush hour.  The train finally shows up and of course the pre-programmed signs and voice announcements on the subway are messed up like it’s Mercury retrograde and I can’t tell if I’m on a local or express.  If I’m on the latter next stop is Canal Street which is way past my destination and my condemnatory mind is screeching, “You’re screwed.”  Despite the nightmare my mind was concocting, I was indeed on a local train and get off at 8th St and Broadway at 5:45.  So I sprint the 4 blocks and 1 Avenue.  Yes I was counting.  I get there and the lobby and sign in area is practically empty which never happens 10 minutes before a class.  Then the nasty inner voice  screams, “Schmuck you’re probably at the wrong studio”.  I try to look at the sign posted with the  class schedule  but I can’t focus.  I finally say, “Did I miss the class?”....how could that be.  The very nice staff looks at me confused by my statement.  I just reply to their blank stares with “...for Danny’s class.”  They then  smile and say no, it’s not until 6:30.  Wow I was quite the inner drama queen, glad I didn’t take it out on anybody other than myself.  Then I slightly started beating myself of for creating all this drama.  And then when I realized, even if it was at 6, although rushed, I was on time and my mind, that was more like a persecutor, certainly didn’t need to go into overdrive.  At one point my mind disguising itself as being considerate told me not rush, skip the class, just go home and forfeit the cost of the class, but that probably would have caused further self flagellation and if I did, I wouldn’t have discovered the tricks my mind was playing.  Or maybe I would have when I looked further and I wouldn’t have gotten the benefit.

Since I had time, I walked to Starbucks for a trenta unsweetened iced tea. After all it is my work out libation of choice.  And all I can think of  now is: Wow, I created all this drama for naught.  I could have stayed in the excited inspiration of my upcoming adventure but noooooooo, my mind wanted to cause some dissension.  Once I was able to breath, I was just amazed about the power of the fictional scripts our minds are capable of writing.  I knew the mind could be a prankster but I was a sucker this time.  It even changed the time of the class in my memory banks.  Although I wish I stopped it earlier, I guess realizing it even afterwards is still a success.  Lesson acknowledged.

I then tested the durability of my new make up and spun in it.   After all if it could endure a 45 minute kick ass class, I think it will endure stage lights for less than 4 minutes.  Plus I got to pre-class chit chat and hugs and even left with a precious wheeeeee bracelet as a bon voyage gift.

So I venture off to Burlesque camp with both excitement and a little fear but, from experience, I  have found the combination of the two to be a potent and transformative cocktail.  And now that I know that my mind may have some sabotage plans, I’m forewarned and prepared.  And as Kelly Clarkson says, Oh, I’m ready as my name on the flyer below is implying.  Or as I would say Wheeeeeee!!!!  

Eyes Are The Doorway to the Soul

So this probably doesn't qualify as a YCMTSU (you can't make this shit up) moment but feels like enough of an aha to share.  Why do I always qualify?  Anyway, I was looking upon some photos on my ipad to do some memory clean up and stumbled upon this one

I had taken it after finally buying a simple pair of drug store magnification classes after a year or two of needing to use my iPhone flashlight to read menu's in restaurants with small print and/or mood lighting and putting items back on supermarket shelves when I couldn't read the ingredients.   I figured it was time to embrace it but, in truth,  I took this a few months ago and only just showing it now.

So what is the vanity about after all it's not like I need coke glass style glasses there only 1X magnification that I was able to get at Duane Reade.  I remember going to the optometrist at least two years before I actually made the purchases.  First thing the assistant said was "Yyep this happens with age."  Well  my inner voice was cursing her out and saying that may be true for others but I refuse to accepts this.  After all healthy diets and exercise can cure more serious diseases and you can't tell me there is nothing I can do to help my eyes restore themselves.  Well I had finally sucked it up but the aha comes as I was looking at this picture and my resistance to needing a little help.  Well we can go to vanity as  my excuse I don't really have a "glasses" face, but that's not it (although I made sure to crop out a few gray hairs that showed in the full picture which is probably why I waited a few months to post).  Although I had always prided myself on having better than perfect vision in a family of people that did not, the big AHA came when I realized that my frustration over my literal loss of vision was really my frustration at my loss of life vision.   I've always pondered what I should do that would feed my soul as until then my job pretty much feeder my wallet that then fed the experiences I had that fed my soul.  It feels that in the past few years I have been crossing off things  from the list of ideas that I thought I might be doing in my next lifetime, in this body, more than adding or, more so, locking down.  And it scares me that I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do next and I feel the clock ticking louder as my current career ends in February of 2015.  So now I understand the vanity was fear of acknowledging my fear.  And what this told me is maybe I need a little help and magnification and I'l admit, I'm way better at offering help than asking for it.  So I don't know what the career version of magnifiers/glasses are but am open and am not going to push it away.  Well I have lots of ideas and am going to explore different classes or lectures or trips or…………….that may get those creative juices and perhaps open those doorways so I can see what I need when it's time.  And if the eyes are the doorway to the soul, maybe some metaphorical glasses will help me hear my soul more clearly and let me know what she really wants to do when I grow up.  In the meantime, I will let go of all more baggage and vanity and play and go Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Found this gem after I posted this. So it's confirmed, Everything is connected, whether you see it or not, but is delightful when you can

Born Naked...My New Personal Anthem

For a while now, I've been thinking about starting a new blog site called You Can’t Make This Shit Up aka the Universe Is Conspiring To Help You, but I already had the Lulu Loving Life site and in truth one of the reasons that I love life is that I get delighted when events that are seemingly disparate, line up in a way that is way more the coincidental and feels like the universe is giving me a sign or, at least, being my cheerleader and providing encouragement.   Sometimes the sign is a significant message and sometimes it’s just the universe saying you’re on the right track (aka hey girl hey)  or that yes the events and relationships in our lives are very connected, which then gives me more trust and faith and let’s face it, it always helps to fill up our trust and faith gas tanks. 

And each time I think I should blog this,  my humility, or perhaps fear, says, "Who Cares?!?".  Well, I do.  And personally, I’m going through a major transformation aka shamanic death of my career and hence my identity. Which means looking closely at who I am and trying to figure out what to do when I grow up.  Yes, I know….I don’t plan on growing up, so perhaps I’m not asking the right question but you get the point. 

So as these YCMTSU (acronym for You Can’t Make This Shit Up) moments  come up I believe that documenting these will help me through this process.  Doing nothing certainly isn’t helping it.  And it may be a personal process but if my sharing can ignite something that is empowering to you…well….woo hoo!!!  I also believe that the universe is doing this all the time…we just don’t always notice.  But the more we acknowledge them, the more they seem to happen. So I’m just going to blog as they happen now daily, weekly, monthly commitment to blogging.  OK Lulu stop rationalizing why your blogging and now the event….

So today I woke up in my hotel in Raleigh.  For some musical accompaniment while I putzed around, I tried to get my itunes playing on my iPad but for some reason even though I hit play and the volume was way up, it wouldn’t play.  So I just let it go.  About ½ hour later, I sit down to meditate, which I'm doing to help my process as well and just a little bit of sanity. About 5 minutes into my meditation, my iPod starts blaring the song, Born Naked by RuPaul (which was not the song that I had left it on). So as I’m meditating, I hear “Who do you think you are?”  And my answer that would be damned if I know and that’s what I’m trying to figure.  Well I jump up to turn it off while laughing and go back to meditating.  In retrospective, I wish I decided to strip and dance to the song naked and made that my meditation.  Maybe later.

So after the meditation I realize this song is “a sign”.  So I decided to play it on my iPod on my drive to the office.  Actually I  played it over and over because I wanted to "get" the lyrics because it was a sign from the universe.  And because I’m focusing on the lyrics, I pass my exit and get a bit lost.  And, instead of getting pissed, I laugh because it seems quite appropriate because I’m feeling pretty lost in life.  And I finally got myself turned around and where I needed to be.  So this wasn’t a blatant sign saying with the voice of God saying, "Lulu you should do...."  Or maybe it was and I'm supposed to take up burlesque. Certainly, metaphorically, I t’s time to strip my ego of my current drag of who I think I am and get naked to put on a whole new Lu.

I wanted to paste a you tube video of the song but alas I couldn't find it. I guess I have to talk to Ru. And my favorite line is “We’re all born naked and the rest is drag.”  And there's a lot more potent metaphors in there. I recommend buying the entire album myself and dance naked, of course. 

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Beauty of Gray

I didn't think I was going to have much to blog about the I love how you always keep your cool as I didn't believe it.  Well I don't think anyone ALWAYS does everything but that's semantics...I guess I do relative to others or I hide the inner turmoil.  I also no that having a tantrum doesn't help and to be honest I can be overly flexible...the thing I hold is that nothing is black and white and there is room for many perceptions and personal truths.  And as the lyrics to one of my favorite song says.

This is not a black and white world

You can't afford to believe in your side.

This is not a black and white world

To be Alive

I say the colors must swirl

And I believe 

That maybe today

We will all get to appreciate

The beauty of gray

And here is the video

Live Like Its Heaven On Earth

I know I've been off the blog schedule...it was a tough lunar eclipse...have to admit I'm still reintegrating from a blissful and out of body shamanic retreat.  Then I kicked off a Reboot 6 week program that involves some diet cleansing...and it's funny because I didn't anticipate it to rock me as much as it has because I already incorporate a lot of it...but that has been working on clearing me out so I can be clear in life...I did this all while the lunar eclipse was playing emotional havoc in my life...

Yes I admit it couldn't play havoc unless I had some less the pristine emotions and self doubts...yet it felt a bit overwhelming.  The good thing when the overwhelm stops...is that you can fill up on your trust storage...trust in that challenging times are not forever.  I always liked the quote by Winston Churchill that said, "If you find yourself in hell, keep going."  And there is another quote shared to me from my friend Julia that we do not know the source of.  It says, "It's always alright in the end.  So if it's not alright, it's not the end."

The one constant during the challenging times has been the love fortunes.  They usually make me giggle or go awwwwww.  So one fortune said, I love you tell me how your feelings.  Maybe too much, but our feelings are our experiences so there the most honest thing I can share right.  Most of our thoughts are made up and really not true.  Another is I love how you make my heart feel.  That was definitely an awww moment....  We have, I love how much you believe in me.  It's been my experience believing in our friends is the biggest gifts our friends provide.  They believe in us when we are having a hard time believing in ourselves.  And if they don't, maybe you need to reconsider their value to your life.  Just saying...

And yes I giggled when I read I love how you make strange noises.  I giggled, then went oh shit, do I make turret like noises or is he just referring to the Woo Hoo's, Woots and, on special occasion, wheeeeeeee's that I shout throughout spin class.  I won't ask and just go with the latter.

Oh and there was an awwww, when I read I love watching you smile in class when you know no one is looking.    I remember that there is Hallmark card os something that says,

You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, 

Love like you'll never be hurt,

Sing like there's nobody listening,

And live like it's heaven on earth.

So I'm ending with a paradoxical song here...as I do believe that heaven is here on earth, we just need to shift our gaze.  Bruno Mars may not agree with me, per his song he feels he's been locked out, but the song has such a damn good beat...I have more to catch up with but tomorrow is another day.

PS I had to go back and google that quote and like to give credit where it's due.  That quote is by William Purkey.  Who is William Purkey. Never mind, I don't need to know that.

 

If Not You, Then Who?

I'm still not back into the swing of things and the love fortunes over the weekend were perfect for my intention...so I'm going to not be so linear so more and go with the flow...and this mornings struck me because it was I Love How You Believe In Me.  It struck me because of a youtube video I saw on FB about women that described themselves to a sketch artist without him seeing them.  Then he would have a stranger that was in the room with them describe them and sketch them.  Guess what the stranger described them with more beauty than the individual.  I get this on a deeper level every day and wonder what I need to do to believe in myself more...I'm fair at it and I don't want to be egoic but if I don't who will...if you don't who will so here's the video and then to show that there is still some of the same old Lulu in there, a song.

I can't help it, I'm sure there are more modern Believe songs...I'm a Cher fan and yes I Believe in Life Before, During and After Love...after all I'm a love activist, right...well that's what I believe and I'm going to stick to it.

Time To Reboot

I'm getting ready to go into a weekend for shamanic retreat as well as kicking off t a reboot program as I'm doing a little belated Spring cleaning...although the weather was late in warming up so I'm not going to worry about it and it's shamanic time.  I will be tracking my love fortunes because it is one of my favorite daily practices.  I'll be back to blogging, most likely, on Sunday or Monday

So the last two fortunes are "I Love How You Are Always There For Me When I'm Grouchy" and "I Love How Your Laughter Fills The Studio".  So to me these are related but as we know I can do that with most things but laughter is the best way to get out of grouchy...and since I'm more in retreat mind than effusive spouting Lulu-isms.  I'm just going to share a nice little reminder I found on facebook that embraces both as I have it posted in my office (where I get to grouchy more often than other places)

And I guess it's all about how we reboot whether it be through a quote, a cleanse, laughter...

PS...

This blogging is like letting the cork out of the damn sometimes...so I had another thought about the I love how you say what you mean.  Not about me but it's funny how the universe does line up and sends other affirmations around the theme (making me realize I may have to look at this aspect of myself more closely.)  But on Facebook today, I just saw something from Paulo Coelho that said, Don't say NO if you want to say YES.  Don't say MAYBE if you want to say NO.  It was right over a picture with the quote "Diga "NO" sin culpa.  Diga "SI" sin miedo.  And if my spanish is right the translation wasn't exact, and in spanish what was said Say NO without blame/guild.  Say YES without fear.  And although not precisely the same it is all embodied in one of my favorite quotes from Dr. Seuss which is "Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind."  Similar to Mark Twains quote which is "It's mind over matter.  If you Don't Mind It Don't Matter."

I think I'm done for the day, but you never know....

Ixnay on the Unsolicited Advice

Not feeling bloggy (that may be a good thing) but usually that leads to longer blogs than usual so be forewarned.  I actually am behind and have two.  One is I love how you say Hello and Good Morning. It could be that I say it and if you read in the past I shared a story how I was in Wichita and someone said hello to me in the elevator.  I looked over my shoulder even though I was alone in there.  It can also go back to the one on how expressive I am and literally how I say it.  I guess I don't hear myself speak because I'm too busy speaking.  I had an opportunity to listen to an astrology session I had and let's just say, I've discovered that I am quite expressive and I can't say I'm a fan but it's hard to listen to ourselves, I think???? .  And it is a them since the other fortune what that I love how you speak your mind.  Oh if that were true they would probably put me in an asylum.  Tee hee...then again I know someone who used to be a psychotherapist at Bellevue.  He said the only thing different between him and the patients was that he had the keys.  I get that.  And also I sensor...your lucky you don't hear all the processing I do...it goes faster as time goes on...but let's just say I filter.

And although I can probably listen more and say less, I like to use a filter on speaking (especially when it comes to giving advice - and have I ever told you that unsolicited advice is a pet peeve...just because I share a challenge with someone, doesn't mean I want them to help me fix it...if I say what do you think tell me, otherwise, I think probing or even silence is a good response)  Anyway back to the filter.  There are four questions (with a few comments as well, of course) that I learned and I had to google to remember exactly.   This came from Sai Baba

1.  Is it kind?  It's interesting how people don't realize how harsh there opinions can sound.
2.  Is it necessary?  Oh barely anything anything can fit in this category.  It's the old need vs want.
3.  Is it true?  Except for a few bare facts...most things are our interpretation or perception so it may be true to us but to nobody else.
4.  Does it improve upon silence?  And many people are uncomfortable with silence...yet it can be a profound reply.  We all probably do way more talking than listening.  I know I'm guilty of that.  And what do we hear in the silence?  As many of us know our minds may not make noise to the outside world but sheesh, what it says to us and it's probably best it stays that way.

On that mind, I'll keep this relatively short. But I'll leave you with two songs on the mind...

Born This Way

So the love fortune I'm supposed to be blogging about is "I Love Your Sophisticated Sense of Smell".  I giggle because Danny and I have become scent swappers...although I'm more of an appreciator he is the scent master.  We come together on earthy, churchy smells...what do you expect from someone that practices shamanic ceremonies...think i'ts a pre-requisite.  And I can't think of a song about smells and I was just having one of those whoa is me, sorry for myself mornings...  So I was just going to skip blogging and do a two for one deal tomorrow.  But I never go without reading my love fortunes and todays is "I Love That You Were Born This Way".  The universe always speaks to us and provides...I talk about trust all the time...and it's nice when it happens fairly immediately.  I even wondered about admitting my dark mood but then again this is a part of life and I was born this way too not just the happy playful carefree, the pendulum doesn't stay in one place does it...it's just the speed of the swing (did I lose you...hope not)  

So I can find a song on trust but you all know which one I'm going to post.  This version is more like a mini-movie (7 min. plus) but check it out...I like the dialogue in the beginning)

Sparklers, The New Incense!!!

I have to say I do giggle in delight every time I pick a lover fortune...this one is "I Love Your Sudden Sparks of Inspiration".  I have to say my first thought is do you mean my spark of inspiration or rationalization.  As you can tell if you've been reading the blogs I can rationalize just about anything and find an optimistic spin.  Then again I guess I get inspired pretty quickly and if you read yesterdays I think our inspirations and passions is the fire that fuels all the love we have, not just the love for that specific passion or inspiration...because love is unconditional, if it's conditional that its idolization.  Hmmm, that just came out and I may be onto something.

But I have nothing else to say (are you shocked, I am) although as I'm about to say this I am getting inspired because this also feels very connected to yesterdays blog.  About warmth and a smile (and yes a tight ass because there is reciprocity in everything :) ).  A spark is just the beginning or warmth. I like the choice of the word spark because that really is what an inspiration is ....so it's like when you use flint to make a fire...sometimes it catches, sometimes it doesn't...sometimes will it lead to a bon fireor can lead to an inferno or be more gentle and nurturing like a candle flame or just be a spark for the moment and not manifest into anything more than a spark....

Now I'm thinking of sparklers on the Fourth of July and being a kid and the wonder and awe that the colors and sparks give off...we should all have that sense of awe with ideas/inspirations.  Have it and if it leads to more then maybe you have a fire and if it flitters out then at least you had fun exploring and admiring it.  Just when I'm about to say I can't think of anything else something else gets inspired and that's how sparks work right, they catch on.  Remember for it to turn into something it needs to be nurtured with kindling first, then some wood or even some air...you may want to think of the metaphorical connections to how you are nurturing your inspirations.

I remember giving out sparklers once for a new moon ceremony when the them was inspirations.  So I had used the container I used for my incense sticks to hold it.  I thought I had given them all away or put away when done.  So then another morning many, many weeks later I sit down to meditate and light incense...or so I thought...and instead the sparkler goes off...imagine both my shock and my delight.  It was perfect medicine for my day and more fun when it comes like that then orchestrated but you do what you need to do so  I recommend keeping them around for when your feeling a dry spell, it just may spark (pun intended) something.

I actually started todays blog thinking I was doing the first paragraph and post a youtube video...but that's exactly how inspiration works...one spark leads to another and to another and it may catch and turn into a book or may fizzle out with a tune.  And as I often do, I will just post a song because music is one of my greatest inspirations whether through lyrics, melody, rhythm...  And the one that comes to mind first and is pretty obvious but what a great way to fizzle out, huh?!?!

At the Bargain Price of a Smile You Can Provide Warmth To Those In Need and Receive A Tight Ass In Return

So I intentionally waited after the other days love fortune which was "I love how people are attracted to your warmth."  I went metaphorical at first, shocker I know.  So who isn't attracted to the warmth of a fire place or a camp fire, right.  But then there is the extreme of an inferno or a forest fire.  So we need to modify our inner fire and we can do that if we know where it comes from.  So I began debating whether it's my heart that is the source of the warmth referred to in the fortune or is it my passion/ inspirations which is probably located more in my belly/gut.   Or can it be both...maybe?  Or perhaps they work as a sacred couple...yes that is the ticket.

I saw the gut as the actual fire (like a camp fire) and then I thought the heart was more like a sterno (you know the things at buffet).  I had an image of a sterno under a bunsen burner, until I realized that sterno's have actual flames within them and then they are used to heat water that is the transmitter heat to a pan of food.  OK so our gut is the sterno and our hearts the pan of water that could work but lets go back to a camp fire.  You don't want to touch the flame. You may stand around it for comfort but your not going to put hug it or put your hand on it.  But campfires can be used for cooking.  You can put a pan on it and make some food.  The food is never as hot as the fire but it contains it and you experience it at kind of a homeopathic dose of warmth and the food is the heart which expresses yumminess and some moderated warmth too.

There is also a metaphor of the heart as a marshmallow.  Before it meets the campfire, it's a little hard and not as yummy or gooey.   However when you put it over a camp fire (of if your in Cosi's a sterno for an indoor s'more), it becomes even sweeter and more gooey and yummy.  You have to be careful not to use too much or too little passion/fire.  Otherwise it will get singed and become bitter or not gooey enough.  And then even better put your heart....oops I mean toasted marshmallow on a graham cracker (which could be the structures of life) and add a little chocolate (which could be an sweeter more optimistic approach to life or laughter) and then you have a blended life of yumminess.  I could write a novel on the metaphor of the s'more  but perhaps another time. OK I think you get where I'm going with the partnership of our passions and our hearts.  And how over active my mind was getting.

As much as I had plenty to say, I wasn't ready to blog on it...I didn't get that inner yes...it felt like a diamond in the rough.  So when I'm not sure what to do, I like to wait.  So I thought, let me see what the next days fortune will be and perhaps there is a connection that will smooth out the rough edges...and I'll get a two for one deal on my blogging efforts...who doesn't like a bargain.  Ha, right.

So yesterdays was "I love how you always make me smile."  Which of course, made me smile.  And it made me a little warmer inside too...  Eureka!!!  They were connected.  Let's face it when I'm having a hard day, I know a kind and smiling person in a brief interaction like ordering my trenta unsweetened green iced tea at Starbuck's, can thaw me a little.

And, since I like to ponder the love fortune to see how it evolves throughout my day before putting fingers to keypad, I went to the office.  I didn't think of it much more until I had a "you can't make this shit up moment"  I was walking down a hall way and walking towards me was an officer that I've know her for a many years although rarely see her and have only worked with her on only a few occasions.  We waved and smiled at each other until we met at the ladies room.  (Is that too much information?)   As we enter,  she says to me, "I always smile when I see you."  To which I giggled & yes I felt a little warmer inside.  My inner voice said, "did you cheat and read my love fortune today because you almost recited it verbatim."  Of course, I did share what a coincidence it was with a little more detail and explained the gift of love fortunes I had received.  And the story warmed her too.

So then I was thinking how smiles, whether you give them or receive them, are definitely a form of warmth. And as reminded by Danny in class last night, it also helps tighten your ass.  Hey so that's a two for one deal...another bargain...and, even better, we are also participating in sacred reciprocity you are giving warmth to another who may be chilled by the hardships of life and you are receiving a tight ass from the universe in return.  (Tee, hee...I do entertain myself sometimes)

Music and Laughter the Ultimate Panaceas

So true, I really do love music...and the love fortune is that I love how you love music...I have to say it is one of the things I spend a lot of my budget on...in spin class I sing along...if it's got a good groove I'm bopping my head...it's as if the music is controlling me...or better it's setting me free.  And the truth is I'm an idiot savant...a song will come on and I'll be able to say I love that song and maybe even sing along but I probably can't tell you the name and/or who is singing it...may be one but rarely both...and if the song isn't playing my recollection is way down the hill...and the funny thing I wake up with a song in my head every morning and when it gets to a certain repetition level or volume, I know it's time to get up.  Sometimes I'm convinced the song has meaning.  Although this morning I woke up with Abba's Chiquita, I knew it was Abba but had to go back to my itunes to listen in full and interestingly this song is reminding me of last night.   I met a friend that is in angst over his career after he had a disappointing dinner with his mentor.  And if I had thought of it maybe I would have played this song for him and saved a lot of other words.  I'm convinced my ipod is shuffle.  I don't necessarily use it like a Crazy 8 ball by asking a question and hitting shuffle... mostly I have it on shuffle and when I'm pondering a question or issue in my mind as I walk (as I go no where without my ipod in my ears (unless I'm with a friend, I'm not rude)) the perfect song comes up.

And I have some recent pop music however as you can tell by my Abba admission, my repertoire is far from cool, I have kirtans, gospel, show tunes, folk, tunes from my youth like, Bobby Sherman, Jackson 5 ...but tomorrows morning song may be Lou Reed, the Doors or Lenny Kravitz

I think music is like poetry that you can dance to.  It is a way of expression that I like to use when I am not feeling eloquent or able to move from an uncomfortable mental or emotional state.  Or I use it to help me move my emotions.  When I'm feeling stuck I like the song Surrender by Guara Vani or Use Me by the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir.  And interestingly when I am super angry and I need to real it in, you may think I'd want something peaceful but that would be false.  When I'm really angry...angry like I want to emmasculate or castrate someone...I don't go there often, yet it happens... and I know that I need to reel it in....a peaceful song would be like a friend saying breath to me during a rant or rage, to which I would then reply FUCK YOU!!!.   So I like to fight fire with fire which actually is how they put out forest fires.  When a forest fire is too big they set another one up in the vicinity.  They do this because fire needs oxygen to survive.   So the other intentional fire also needs oxygen and since they are close to each other they both sucks the air out of each others and both fires go out.  So foolish friends for saying breath to me, that would just feed my inner fire as my F.U. retort to breathing recommendation implied.  I like to use this over the top expression angry song to suck the air out of my fire...

Now I'm wondering if it's the mutual anger sucking the anger or because this sone is over the top and in truth it makes me laugh...and we know we need oxygen to laugh too (have you ever had someone laugh so hard they say they can't breath anymore)...perhaps the laughter takes the oxygen out of my rage and interestingly the rage goes away but the laughter stays were two fires kill each other off.  I knew laughter was a great panacea.  So yes music and laughter, both great panaceas... And who would have thought that someone saying that they love my love for music would lead to laughter is a great panacea...so I guess I also need to play the following...and I love the paradox of the two songs.  I know I've played this song before but I love the beginning part of this version too and this one has lyrics so please sing and laugh along.

P.S.  I'm not against using breath work to relax but there is a time and place for everything.

I Feeeeeel Nice......

I knew it would happen, I kind of have a repeat love fortune.  It is I love you make me feel and only a few days ago its way I love how happy you make me feel...ok so maybe this one was for an emotion other than happy but I'm virgonic enough to keep track of each love fortune and check handwritings.  It was from two different hands.  And that's ok, but no reason for me to repeat myself. so you can read the past blog called Happy A State of Mind of One of the Seven Dwarfs or I'm going straight to a song...and it makes me giggle to think that either of them might break out in this song in thinking about me....Ha...no not giggling, laughing my ass off...

Imagine

I Love To Share Fun Facts is todays love fortune.  Yay on sharing that is always fun.  Fun well fun is fun.  Facts is where I get stuck and, course you know I get into semantics, so go with me.  I just don't think there are that many facts.  And truth keeps changing.  After all they use the world was flat until Christopher Columbus pulled out the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria.  So we know the facts best as we know them.  And actually it's all perspective, because the religous zealot might quote their book of god as having facts, but most of those are a matter of interpretation.  And as I usually say that is my truth as I know it and it may not be anyone elses.   Truth often comes from our experiences and let's face it we have a diverse bunch of experiences and then we have to interpret these experiences through our personal filters...oy, that's how you have two different people at the same event with different interpretations.  So now that I got off that, soap box, what is fun to share is ideas...and theories and possibilities.  I remember being in high school sitting with my best friend and discussing what karma and reincarnation was.  We hadn't read any buddhist texts and it was fun and considering what I know now, we weren't so far off.  And I also like to think about things that stretch my imagincation like alternate realities, etc...  So I love to share my imagination and I bet you know what sone that leads me to...

Happy...A State of Being or One of the 7 Dwarfs

My reaction to the I Love How Happy You Make Me Feel was, "What a sweet sentiment" and then into my spiritual thoughts of how happiness is a state of being that people really aren't dependent on its more a source we tap into.  That being said some people or experiences are yummier than others which help us feel light and cheery.  The rest of my morning was spent doing work that was more on the lead side.  I worked until my 1 PM spin class in which I was like an animal let out of her cage.  But that's not my point, it is definitely something that gives me an endorphine high which makes me happy for sure or feeds my happiness state of being.  But the perfect synchronicity moment was that the pre-class song playing as we entered was.

Although was thinking of how I let my work get to me and then I thought of Happy, one of the 7 Dwarfs, and perhaps if I took this approach when work gets me down, I'd be Happy-er.

Create Music...

So the love fortune to be blogged about today is "I Love What You Mean To Others".  And the false humility in me says Do I????  I mean I do to some but do I really.  Recently because of some interactions I have a snippet into the influence I have had based on peoples responsivity (I don't think that's a word and think it would be responsiveness but I like how responsivity is a bit of a tongue twister, anyway, I digress...) and they have outright said some things that help reinforce that I'm modeling my core values in a way that's appreciated.  I know we shouldn't need this, but it's pretty nice to have it.

Made me think if any of us say what people mean to us.  Not to get too deep but until my father was diagnosed with cancer, I can count on the fingers on one hand the number of times he actually said the words I Love You.  And most of those were based on an achievement.  This is not meant to be a dad-bashing by any means.   He behaved based on his life circumstances.  And then when he was diagnosed with cancer he would end every interaction with I love you.  We shouldn't wait.  So let people know how you love them.  You can say I love you or now a days send them a text that lets them know that your thinking about them...and do it just because...not that you want a response in return.  And your nice words can be like music to their ears and as Michael Frante sings, Everyone Deserves Music!!!